The Adoption Option


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I finalized the adoption of my favorite teen this week! I continue to be amazed at the strength and resilience that the children on my caseload have. This teenager has a 4.2 weighted GPA and is going to attend Yale. She has never missed a day of school in her life, despite suffering a childhood of emotional abuse by her mentally ill biological mother. Well she’s adopted now! And they lived happily ever after…

I urge my gay community to look to the foster care system for adoption. Thousands of children are removed from their biological parents following abuse and neglect in the U.S. on a daily basis. I have about 30 kids on my caseload waiting on someone like you to love them. You could be their forever homes and families.

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Point of View – DB Boulevard


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I don’t have a cent
Will I pay my rent?
And even my car doesn’t work
Me and my man?
He’s the one to die for…
We have split up

Laid – James


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Flashback Friday, to 1993

This bed is on fire with passionate love
The neighbours complain about the noises above
But she only comes when she’s on topMy therapist said not to see you no more
She said you’re like a disease without any cure
She said I’m so obsessed that I’m becoming a bore, oh noAh, you think you’re so pretty…

Caught your hand inside the till
Slammed your fingers in the door
Fought with kitchen knives and skewers
Dressed me up in womens’ clothes
Messed around with gender roles
Line my eyes and call me pretty

Moved out of the house so you moved next door
I locked you out, you cut a hole in the wall
I found you sleeping next to me, I thought I was alone
You’re driving me crazy
When are you coming home?

The Gay Road Less Traveled $2.99 on Amazon


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My book “The Gay Road Less Traveled” $2.99 on Amazon, supermodel Cricket and artwork by the super talented Matt Mateo Humphrey


The Winter Party (an outsider’s perspective)


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So proud of myself, I got Ricky Martin and Alexis Arquette up in my video!

Flea Marketin’


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Due to budgetary constraints, didn’t buy as much as I wanted…that sentence is practically the story of the last two years of my life :)

Carebears pillow $1
Panda bear artwork $1
generic probably give me cancer cooking spray 50 cents
Clean & Clear face wash $1
Grape Truvia Crystal Light 50 cents
an absolutely-not leather bealt $1
5 pack Mach3 razors $10
Folgers coffee $2

I didn’t buy any porn, because the govt. provides it for free on the interweb, took some pics though

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I Ain’t No Rapist


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On some nights, for whatever reason, Flamingo Park decides to turn off some of their park lights, probably to conserve energy. One night recently the park was dimmed this way and a bunch of white people with fluorescent lights and whistles were jogging in a strung-out pack through the park. I think they were from one of the big fitness centers on Alton Road. This was my conversation with the dogs and two middle-aged French ladies on that evening:

To Cricket and Squeak, after watching the people jog and wave their glow sticks and whistle on through: “Stupid ass-white people, what is you gonna do?”
Then I say “Stupid women need to be careful, it’s all dark and shit, they might get raped”
After I make this staement, I look behind me to see these 2 older women who were apparently walking behind me and listening to my conversation with my children. One of the ladies, in I think a French accent says either “Racist” or “Rapist” as they both stop walking. I look back at them, kinda laugh, and say “Just joking.” They cross the street at Jefferson and 11th giving me ignorant looks.

Things I shoulda/woulda/coulda said:
“I’m white, I can say that”
“My dogs talk to me telepathically”
“French people smell”
“I’m gay, so I wouldn’t rape women”
“Je veux violer tu”
“Je viole tu”
“Konichiwa bitches”



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The Greatest Love of All


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The Greatest Love of All is inside of me (not in a sexual way)

I believe the children err dogs are our future

R.I.P. Bobbi Xtina :( oh wait she ain’t dead?




Whorin’ the Cruise Lines


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Hypothetically speaking, a person can make a lot of money turning tricks when the cruise ships are in port ‪#‎themoreyouknow‬ — at Port of Miami





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I was out on a stroll with my bitches (a stroll not the stroll) on Washington Avenue when I spied with my good eye (the big one) a box of BC powders and a bunch of little plastic bags all brand-new.

A) Some tourists was bout to get suckered but 5oh had rolled through and they got slung in a panic
B) Some nice old lady was jewelry collecting and got a awful headache
C) Jesus or Allah or Buddha or Tupac really wants me to start selling drugs again ?


I’s Gettin’ Fat


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I don’t just buy super fattening cinnamon buns with cream cheese frosting when I go to Publix, I buy extra cream cheese frosting as well ‪#‎2ndtrimester‬ ‪#‎built4winter‬ #foodie — at South Beach Miami


The Dollar $tar


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I have a horrible sweet tooth and I’m broke. When I’m bling blingin’, I enjoy fancy sweet things like tres leches and cronuts and Ben & Jerry’s and pot brownies. Since I ain’t been bout that scrilla in a minute, I luckily stumbled into the Dollar Star on Washington Ave. A sign strategically placed throughout the store says “Florida has ruled that is is legal to sell food that is slightly out of date.” Yes, please!

My purchases:
2 boxes of Little Debbie Cakes, buy 1 get one free, $1.09 (they ain’t stale or nothin’)
2 4-packs of Sunkist 10 (they only have the 10 calories) .49 cents each
1 potato hot dog bun 8-pack (will make my fried bologna (baloney?) sandwiches with, $1
1 Starkist fruit punch candle (cause I love for my pied-a-terre to smell all fruity, like me) .25 cents


A $1000 Pussy


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Everybody knows a cat is the most ignorant of animals, but I was walking down Michigan Ave. and saw this sign: $1000 reward!!! Immediately I begin searching for this most beautiful of God’s creatures, ya heard? I soon discovered that there are lots of ignorant I mean beautiful black & white cats in South Beach. Also, how to catch them? I might have to momentarily stun them with a hammer or golf club to match up their markings and get paid, ya heard? #ilovepussies



Sweet Tamarind


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Extremely popular in south Florida, so I thought I would give them a try. Tastes like a sour sweet dill pickle of sugar and tamarind pulp…yuck!

Fresh Off the Boat


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Like my other favorite comedy The Goldbergs, Fresh Off the Boat is set in the 80’s when I was a child, only this comedy has a chubby little nugget who wants to be down and listens to hip-hop, it’s yo boy Eddie Huang.

Jupiter Ascending vs. Seventh Son (suck)


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When I’m tired and feeling low, I hide in the movies and forget the day, which is what I did on this last Sunday. I paid $8 for the matinee Jupiter Ascending at Cobb Hialeah, then snuck into the 5 o’clock Seventh Son. Mistake. Big Mistake. Huge. I knew that both of these movies cost over $100 million to make and had bombed spectactularly. Turns out, deservedly so…

Jupiter Ascending was almost okay, some cool visual effects and and flying lizard bad guys, but Channing Tatum as an alien human/wolf/hybrid lycanthrope mercenary with pointy elf ears and Mila Kunis as a poor, lonely maid scrubbing toilets sharing a one-room apartment with her mother and aunt (also maids) in the Bronx…c’mon man.

Seventh Son honestly looked like a Syfy movie, a bad one. I was initially excited, because Jon Snow was the 7th Son to start the movie, but a dragon Julianne Moore killed him in like 30 seconds, and he was replaced by…generic don’t remember white guy. They must have paid dragon Julianne Moore a shitload of money to be in this shitty movie for real though, and remember when Jeff Bridges used to be fine, in like 2004? He looks older than his own mother in this wannabe brbokedown Gandalf role! Beau was always the cuter Bridges to me anyway, with his little chubby cheeks :)



I’m Getting Pregnant This Weekend


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Like thousands of other hoodrats and working girls, I’m gettin’ ready to fly up (well bus up on Greyhound) to NBA All-Star Weekend in Brooklyn, and try to get pregnant by an NBA player! #winning



John’s Super Walmarks Diet


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What to do when you got budgetary constraints but you still want to be all healthy and green and whanot: follow John’s Walmark meal plan for sexual stamina and good teeth and skrong muscles, like Jameis ! #foodie #aintthispaleo?



A Baby, Left at the Hospital


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I have a new little one on my caseload, a 2-week old left at the hospital by his mother, born drug-addicted. Friday morning I drove south to Homestead to pick him up. He’s so tiny. I wish I had my life together, and maybe a rich husband, I sure would love to adopt this little nugget myself :)




Somebody’s Baby – Jackson Browne


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When I was younger, and cuter, and more optimistic, I would sometimes sing Somebody’s Baby and picture myself as the person/girl Jackson was singing about…I still believe that I’m somebody’s baby, and that I will meet him soon, right?

Well, just look at that girl
With the lights comin’ up in her eyes
She’s got to be somebody’s baby
She must be somebody’s baby
All the guys on the corner stand back
And let her walk on by
She’s got to be somebody’s baby
She must be somebody’s baby
She’s got to be somebody’s baby
She’s so fine
She’s probably somebody’s only light
Gonna shine tonight
Yeah, she’s probably somebody’s baby, all right
I heard her talkin’ with her friend
When she thought nobody else was around
She said she’s got to be somebody’s baby
She must be somebody’s baby
‘Cause when the cars and the signs and the streetlights
Light up the town
She’s got to be somebody’s baby
She must be somebody’s baby
She’s got to be somebody’s baby
She’s so fine


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