I Ain’t No Rapist

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On some nights, for whatever reason, Flamingo Park decides to turn off some of their park lights, probably to conserve energy. One night recently the park was dimmed this way and a bunch of white people with fluorescent lights and whistles were jogging in a strung-out pack through the park. I think they were from one of the big fitness centers on Alton Road. This was my conversation with the dogs and two middle-aged French ladies on that evening:

To Cricket and Squeak, after watching the people jog and wave their glow sticks and whistle on through: “Stupid ass-white people, what is you gonna do?”
Then I say “Stupid women need to be careful, it’s all dark and shit, they might get raped”
After I make this staement, I look behind me to see these 2 older women who were apparently walking behind me and listening to my conversation with my children. One of the ladies, in I think a French accent says either “Racist” or “Rapist” as they both stop walking. I look back at them, kinda laugh, and say “Just joking.” They cross the street at Jefferson and 11th giving me ignorant looks.

Things I shoulda/woulda/coulda said:
“I’m white, I can say that”
“My dogs talk to me telepathically”
“French people smell”
“I’m gay, so I wouldn’t rape women”
“Je veux violer tu”
“Je viole tu”
“Konichiwa bitches”

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The Greatest Love of All

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The Greatest Love of All is inside of me (not in a sexual way)

I believe the children err dogs are our future

R.I.P. Bobbi Xtina :( oh wait she ain’t dead?

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Whorin’ the Cruise Lines

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Hypothetically speaking, a person can make a lot of money turning tricks when the cruise ships are in port ‪#‎themoreyouknow‬ — at Port of Miami

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#thestruggle

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I was out on a stroll with my bitches (a stroll not the stroll) on Washington Avenue when I spied with my good eye (the big one) a box of BC powders and a bunch of little plastic bags all brand-new.

A) Some tourists was bout to get suckered but 5oh had rolled through and they got slung in a panic
B) Some nice old lady was jewelry collecting and got a awful headache
C) Jesus or Allah or Buddha or Tupac really wants me to start selling drugs again ?

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I’s Gettin’ Fat

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I don’t just buy super fattening cinnamon buns with cream cheese frosting when I go to Publix, I buy extra cream cheese frosting as well ‪#‎2ndtrimester‬ ‪#‎built4winter‬ #foodie — at South Beach Miami

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The Dollar $tar

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I have a horrible sweet tooth and I’m broke. When I’m bling blingin’, I enjoy fancy sweet things like tres leches and cronuts and Ben & Jerry’s and pot brownies. Since I ain’t been bout that scrilla in a minute, I luckily stumbled into the Dollar Star on Washington Ave. A sign strategically placed throughout the store says “Florida has ruled that is is legal to sell food that is slightly out of date.” Yes, please!

My purchases:
2 boxes of Little Debbie Cakes, buy 1 get one free, $1.09 (they ain’t stale or nothin’)
2 4-packs of Sunkist 10 (they only have the 10 calories) .49 cents each
1 potato hot dog bun 8-pack (will make my fried bologna (baloney?) sandwiches with, $1
1 Starkist fruit punch candle (cause I love for my pied-a-terre to smell all fruity, like me) .25 cents

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A $1000 Pussy

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Everybody knows a cat is the most ignorant of animals, but I was walking down Michigan Ave. and saw this sign: $1000 reward!!! Immediately I begin searching for this most beautiful of God’s creatures, ya heard? I soon discovered that there are lots of ignorant I mean beautiful black & white cats in South Beach. Also, how to catch them? I might have to momentarily stun them with a hammer or golf club to match up their markings and get paid, ya heard? #ilovepussies

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Sweet Tamarind

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Extremely popular in south Florida, so I thought I would give them a try. Tastes like a sour sweet dill pickle of sugar and tamarind pulp…yuck!

Fresh Off the Boat

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Like my other favorite comedy The Goldbergs, Fresh Off the Boat is set in the 80’s when I was a child, only this comedy has a chubby little nugget who wants to be down and listens to hip-hop, it’s yo boy Eddie Huang.

Jupiter Ascending vs. Seventh Son (suck)

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When I’m tired and feeling low, I hide in the movies and forget the day, which is what I did on this last Sunday. I paid $8 for the matinee Jupiter Ascending at Cobb Hialeah, then snuck into the 5 o’clock Seventh Son. Mistake. Big Mistake. Huge. I knew that both of these movies cost over $100 million to make and had bombed spectactularly. Turns out, deservedly so…

Jupiter Ascending was almost okay, some cool visual effects and and flying lizard bad guys, but Channing Tatum as an alien human/wolf/hybrid lycanthrope mercenary with pointy elf ears and Mila Kunis as a poor, lonely maid scrubbing toilets sharing a one-room apartment with her mother and aunt (also maids) in the Bronx…c’mon man.

Seventh Son honestly looked like a Syfy movie, a bad one. I was initially excited, because Jon Snow was the 7th Son to start the movie, but a dragon Julianne Moore killed him in like 30 seconds, and he was replaced by…generic don’t remember white guy. They must have paid dragon Julianne Moore a shitload of money to be in this shitty movie for real though, and remember when Jeff Bridges used to be fine, in like 2004? He looks older than his own mother in this wannabe brbokedown Gandalf role! Beau was always the cuter Bridges to me anyway, with his little chubby cheeks :)

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I’m Getting Pregnant This Weekend

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Like thousands of other hoodrats and working girls, I’m gettin’ ready to fly up (well bus up on Greyhound) to NBA All-Star Weekend in Brooklyn, and try to get pregnant by an NBA player! #winning

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John’s Super Walmarks Diet

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What to do when you got budgetary constraints but you still want to be all healthy and green and whanot: follow John’s Walmark meal plan for sexual stamina and good teeth and skrong muscles, like Jameis ! #foodie #aintthispaleo?

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A Baby, Left at the Hospital

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I have a new little one on my caseload, a 2-week old left at the hospital by his mother, born drug-addicted. Friday morning I drove south to Homestead to pick him up. He’s so tiny. I wish I had my life together, and maybe a rich husband, I sure would love to adopt this little nugget myself :)

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Somebody’s Baby – Jackson Browne

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When I was younger, and cuter, and more optimistic, I would sometimes sing Somebody’s Baby and picture myself as the person/girl Jackson was singing about…I still believe that I’m somebody’s baby, and that I will meet him soon, right?

Well, just look at that girl
With the lights comin’ up in her eyes
She’s got to be somebody’s baby
She must be somebody’s baby
All the guys on the corner stand back
And let her walk on by
She’s got to be somebody’s baby
She must be somebody’s baby
She’s got to be somebody’s baby
She’s so fine
She’s probably somebody’s only light
Gonna shine tonight
Yeah, she’s probably somebody’s baby, all right
I heard her talkin’ with her friend
When she thought nobody else was around
She said she’s got to be somebody’s baby
She must be somebody’s baby
‘Cause when the cars and the signs and the streetlights
Light up the town
She’s got to be somebody’s baby
She must be somebody’s baby
She’s got to be somebody’s baby
She’s so fine

Chinese Kosher – Michael Levy

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In September of 2005, the Peace Corps sent Michael Levy to teach English in the heart of rural China.

“When I finally relented and agreed to go to Dog Meat King, I did so with no attention of eating the meat that gave the restaurant it’s name. But as a sat in the restaurant, hungry and happy to be with my friend Jennifer, I felt a Moment of Truth emerging from the greasy haze. Was I about to go fully native? Maybe there’s no really difference between dog and pic I thought to myself. I lifted a dog cube with my chopsticks and stared at it. The face of my brother Eliot’s golden retriever appeared in the veins of the meat. To my horror, my mouth began to water. I licked the meat. The sky did not fall. I popped the cube in my mouth. I chewed. I swallowed. It tasted like chicken. Kosher was of course out the window.”

“All of this is thanks to the Leadership of the Communist Party and Socialism with Chinese Characteristics” teacher Qing said. “We will get rich now and develop and catch the West. Then we can develop True Communism later.”

“You do not have to worry about the quality of the meat. We can buy it in Walmart.” I was taken aback. “Walmart sells dog meat?” “Yes” replied Jennifer. “The price is also low, always the lowest. Walmart has the lowest prices in town.” I shook my head in disbelief. It was bad enough to think of a dead-dog section of Walmart, but what was even more unbleievable was that they could undercut the proces of butchers in the open markets, who were squeezing out a subsistence living.

My first class at Guizhou University started with everyone telling me their names, rather the American names they had given themselves. The worst student in the class had chosen the name Moron, which was ridiculous, but far from the strangest. There was “Anvil” a butch girl with a bowl cut, and an effeminate boy who went by “Dandy.” Two skinny girls inroduced themselves as “Shitty” and “Pussy.” Shitty explained her name by telling me it “sounded friendly.” Pussy told me she liked cats. There was Shmily, which she explained stood for “See How Much I love You” and Larple “I am a little fat, like a large apple.” There was God, Red Hero, and Waiting G, as well as two brothers named Stone and Stone Crusher.

Jackie raised his hand after Moron sat down. “His namee is Gordon, Mr. Mike, not Moron!” Jackie yelled. “But his English is very poor so that you cannot understand him!” Jackie was looking sternly at Gordon. “His Chinese is very poor, too! He is a minority person, so he has difficulty learning!”

John’s Super Bowl Party

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John’s Super Bowl party, an $8 gourmet thin crust from Pizza Hut and a single $3 red velvet cupcake from Epicure…and 2 drooling gremlins. Go Pats!

Cricket wants cupcakes!

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Lowbacca

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Lowbacca or “Lowie” was a Wookiee Jedi Knight during the Yuuzhan Vong War. Lowbacca was born to Kallabow and Mahraccor, with his mother Kallabow being the sister of the famous Rebel hero Chewbacca. He studied at Luke Skywalker’s Jedi Praxeum and was a companion of Jaina Solo, Jacen Solo and Tenel Ka. He wielded a bronze-bladed lightsaber. Lowbacca was to Jaina Solo what Chewbacca was to her father Han Solo, best friend and lifelong companion, except the force is strong in Lowbacca, and Jaina Solo would become the Sword of the Jedi, as powerful as her uncle Luke. Being a Wookiee, Lowbacca was a rarity among Jedi, as Force-sensitives were even less common among Wookiees than among other species, one being born only every century or so.

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Jaina & Jacen Solo, Lowbacca, Tenel Ka, Anakin Solo (younger brother), Tahiri, and Zekk (The droid is Em-Teedee)

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Lowbacca & Jaina Solo

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Lowbacca & Em-Teedee

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Lowbacca with Han & Leia’s twins, Jaina & Jacen Solo (Jacen would become the Sith Lord Darth Cadeus)

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The Solo/Skywalker Family Tree

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lil baby Lowie

Keane – Sovereign Light Café (Afrojack Remix)

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For my new British friend Craig

I didn’t know I was finding out how I’d be torn from you
When we talked about things we were gonna do
We were wide-eyed dreamers and wiser too

We’d go down to the rides on east parade,
By the lights of the palace arcade
And watch night coming down on the Sovereign Light Café

I’m begging you for some sign, but you’ve still got nothing to say
Don’t turn your back on me, don’t walk away
I’m a better man now than I was that day.

Let’s go down to the rides on east parade,
By the lights of the palace arcade
And watch night coming down on the Sovereign Light Café

Beautiful Boy – David Sheff

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Beautiful Boy – a father’s journey through his son’s addiction to crystal meth

I found the most interesting parts of this story to be when the father described parenting his two younger children, second-guessing himself and constantly worrying that he was the primary caregiver of a child who became a meth addict.

“Through Nic’s drug addiction, I have learned that parents can bear almost anything….I shock myself with my ability to rationalize and tolerate things once unthinkable. The rationalizations escalate….It’s only marijuana. He gets high only on weekends. At least he’s not using hard drugs….At least it’s not heroin. He would never resort to needles. At least he’s alive.”

“An alcoholic will steal your wallet and lie to you. A drug addict will steal your wallet and then help you look for it.”

“Anyone who has lived through it, or those who are now living through it, knows that caring about an addict is as complex and fraught and debilitating as addiction itself.”

“Along with the joy of parenthood, with every child comes a piercing vulnerability. It is at once sublime and terrifying”

“But here’s the rub of addiction. By its nature, people afflicted are unable to do what, from the outside, appears to be a simple solution—don’t drink. Don’t use drugs. In exchange for that one small sacrifice, you will be given a gift that other terminally ill people would give anything for: life.”

“In his suicide note, Kurt Cobain wrote, “It’s better to burn out than to fade away.” He was quoting a Neil Young song about Johnny Rotten of the Sex Pistols. When I was twenty-four, I interviewed John Lennon. I asked him about this sentiment, one that pervades rock and roll. He took strong, outraged exception to it. “It’s better to fade away like an old soldier than to burn out, ” he said. “I worship people who survive. I’ll take the living and the healthy.”

“I tried everything I could to prevent my son’s fall into meth addiction. It would have been no easier to have seen him strung out on heroin or cocaine, but as every parent of a meth addict comes to learn, this drug has a unique, horrific quality. In an interview, Stephan Jenkins, the singer in Third Eye Blind, said that meth makes you feel “bright and shiny.” It also makes you paranoid, delusional, destructive, and self-destructive. Then you will do unconscionable things in order to feel bright and shiny again.”

I Was Solicited for the Gay Prostitution

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I WILL prostitute, okay? I was just walking the dogs down Washington Ave minding my own business when this man walked up on me. Here is our conversation word for word: him: hey how are you doing tonight me: okay him: i’ve seen you out walking with your precious dogs, don’t you dribble a basketball around South Beach sometimes also? me: yes him: if you wanted to come back to my apartment for a cocktail or something there is $100 in it for you I looked him up and down with the quickness : he is Jewish but not in a good way, more like concentration camp survivor. He is maybe 65 years old and looks vaguely immuno-suppressed. I am broke as hell basically financially destitute however I just can’t see myself doing anything with him. me: no thank you I have to get home have to go to work c’mon Cricket! And I ran up out of there! When I look back he is walking away, so I follow behind him and shoot a 10 second video, so everyone can see my potential as a high-priced escort, ya heard?

Cricket is My Lesbian Bitch Wingman

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Whenever I have the dogs on leash, I use Cricket to get some cute men’s attention. I say “Get em Cricket” and she runs her little fat butt up right next to the guy and matches him stride for stride. If the guy is gay he will stop and pet her and then I bust a move. She did really good with this guy, even touching him on his leg with her nose, but he just gave her a cold German look and kept walking. A fine-ass German look though ‪#‎southbeachwelcomewagon‬ ‪#‎complimentaryoralwithpassport‬

I Want a Husband, please

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I’ve cut out ice cream and I’ve been playing basketball almost every day. I have lost 20 pounds, and almost almost have a six-pack. I have a dating profile on OKCupid, and I have been on a few dates in Miami and Fort Lauderdale…that stunk. I have also had my fair share of the gay sex (including great fun with the OCD schoolteacher from Wilton Manors who took these pics). I am ready to be swept off my feet, somebody love me!

*ain’t my flower collections in my glamour shots

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Old Lady Stealing From the Flea Market

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Sometimes she puts whatever she’s stealing in her head wrap, but mostly she uses her partner in crime, this banjee girl, to distract the stall owner while she slips stuff all sneaky like

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They caught me taking their picture and the old lady got loud and was yelling at me. I should’ve told her to shut the hell up before I snitch and mess her game up, but I was a little bit afraid, she is dressed all in white and might be a Haitian vodou preistess.

Haitian Vodou[1][2][3] (/ˈvoʊduː/, French: [vodu], also written as Vaudou;[4][5] /ˈvoʊduː/ Vodun[6][7] or Vodoun[6][8] /ˈvoʊduːn/; and Voodoo /ˈvuːduː/) is a syncretic[9] religion practiced chiefly in Haiti and the Haitian diaspora. Practitioners are called “vodouists” or “servants of the spirits”

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