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When I’m tired and feeling low, I hide in the movies and forget the day, which is what I did on this last Sunday. I paid $8 for the matinee Jupiter Ascending at Cobb Hialeah, then snuck into the 5 o’clock Seventh Son. Mistake. Big Mistake. Huge. I knew that both of these movies cost over $100 million to make and had bombed spectactularly. Turns out, deservedly so…

Jupiter Ascending was almost okay, some cool visual effects and and flying lizard bad guys, but Channing Tatum as an alien human/wolf/hybrid lycanthrope mercenary with pointy elf ears and Mila Kunis as a poor, lonely maid scrubbing toilets sharing a one-room apartment with her mother and aunt (also maids) in the Bronx…c’mon man.

Seventh Son honestly looked like a Syfy movie, a bad one. I was initially excited, because Jon Snow was the 7th Son to start the movie, but a dragon Julianne Moore killed him in like 30 seconds, and he was replaced by…generic don’t remember white guy. They must have paid dragon Julianne Moore a shitload of money to be in this shitty movie for real though, and remember when Jeff Bridges used to be fine, in like 2004? He looks older than his own mother in this wannabe brbokedown Gandalf role! Beau was always the cuter Bridges to me anyway, with his little chubby cheeks 🙂

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