From my memoir “The Gay Road Less Traveled” Please go buy a copy on Amazon!
“I texted him to tell him I didn’t really eat dog food, but that’s a crazy sentence to send to somebody. The worst part is that he was popular and had lots of friends in Fort Lauderdale and Miami, now they all think I eat dog food.”
an excerpt from my memoir “The Gay Road Less Traveled”
New Orleans 1997
Dear Diary, we lost Princess Diana this year. At Halloween, lots of the drag queens in New Orleans honored her by dressing up as the beloved princess, that’s what I initially thought, but as I looked closer at their outfits, all of them had blood and tire tracks on their dresses, and one queen had a steering wheel around her neck!
2. RUNNIN’ -NAUGHTY BOY featuring BEYONCE A super catchy and addictive little song that I played over and over again this year. It first caught my ear in a Chanel commercial with Kirsten Stewart (Runnin’)
3. WALK ON WATER – EMINEM featuring BEYONCE Although she’s featured in two of my three favorite songs of the year, I’m not a big Beyonce fan, her vocal talent is unquestioned, she’s just not very smart and lacks personality.
4. BAD & BOUJEE – MIGOS featuring LIL UZI VERT Ahh, Migos, you were the bright shining stars of 2017, although nobody could understand what you were saying! I fear that like a falling star, Migos’ hotness will soon cool, and they will fade away
5. FEEL IT STILL – PORTUGAL THE MAN
6. BODAK YELLOW – CARDI B Since being introduced to Cardi on Love & Hip Hop NY , I have loved Cardi’s ratchetness and ghetto fabulous sense of humor (when she started making money she wanted to get her teeth fixed, but she was scared, because she was worried she wouldn’t be able to suck dick as good)
7. HOW FAR I’LL GO/MOANA – ALESSIA CARA A lovely little song for little girls and gay men everywhere
8. BLACK BEATLES – RAE SRUMMOND
9. DOWN – MARIAN HILL
10. BAD AT LOVE – HALSEY I knew Halsey before she blew up and kinda sold out, she is a unique and talented singer who I predict will have a long and successful career (unlike Migos or Cardi B). Check out her guest appearance on Roadies, when Machine Gun Kelly kind of falls in love with her
11. MASK OFF – FUTURE “Percocets, Molly, Percocets” “Chase a Bitch, Never Chase a Bitch”
12. SIGN OF THE TIMES -HARRY STYLES
13. THUNDER -IMAGINE DRAGONS
14. HAVANA -CAMILLA CABELLO featuring YOUNG THUG Like Beyonce did with Destiny’s Child, Camilla done told the rest of Fifth Harmony Good Day!
15. CASTLE ON THE HILL – ED SHEERAN
16. LEMON – NERD featuring RIHANNA
17. MAGNOLIA – PLAYBOY CARTI
18. (NO ONE KNOWS) LIKE THE PIANO – SAMPHA
19. NO LIMIT – G-EAZY featuring ASAP ROCKY & CARDI B
20. COLD LITTLE HEART – MICHAEL KIWANUKA Theme song of Big Little Lies, a great show on HBO
21. NEW YORK – ST VINCENT
22. THIRD OF MAY/ODAIGAHARA – FLEET FOXES
23. PA’LANTE – HURRAY FOR THE RIFFRAFF
24. I GET THE BAG -GUCCI MANE featuring MIGOS
25. ROCKSTAR – POST MALONE featuring 21 SAVAGE
TESTIFY – HIFI SEAN featuring CRYSTAL WATERS My most loved dance track this year, Crystal Waters has performed at least six or seven times at circuit party events I’ve attended over the years, and I have floated high as a kite countless times on the dance floor to this diva of the gay community’s songs!
“Now take me to your river
And lay me in your water
And preach to me
Tell me why I need your love
Why I got to have your love
Justify your love”
I have half-way fallen in love with someone I met online, the idea of him anyway…a guy I can’t even convince to come to Massachusetts. I always thought I was someone to be cherished, that one day my knight in shining armor would find me, like Richard Gere came for Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman (without the prostitution). My Texan/Virginian/Arizonian hoped-for savior has gone silent, and I’ve cried through Thanksgiving, with only a cold and miserable New England winter to look forward to.
My class curriculum includes considerable time spent on trauma-informed care and helping my prospective adoptive families succeed in parenting children who have suffered abuse or neglect. I use the example of a Bear in the Woods (at the 8-minute mark in this Ted Talk video on Childhood Trauma by Dr. Nadine Burke Harris).
Significant damage to the emotional and physical health of children who are exposed to high levels of adversity/trauma occurs over time (chronic trauma). They are more likely to engage in high-risk behavior, and to develop heart disease or cancer. Our brains have a stress response system, in the hypothalamic and adrenal glands, that governs our fight or flight response in a situation. Imagine you’re walking in the forest and you see a bear. Immediately, your brain sends a response to your adrenal glands: Release stress hormones! Adrenal! Cortisol! Your heart starts to pound, your pupils dilate, your airways open up, and you are ready to either fight that bear or run from that bear! And that is wonderful, if you are in the forest, with a bear. The problem is what happens when the bear comes home every night, in the form of domestic violence, or physical abuse, or molestation. This system is activated over and over and over again, and it goes from being life-saving to health damaging. Children are especially sensitive to this repeated stress-activation, because their brains and bodies are just developing. High doses of adversity affect their brain structure and function, their developing immune systems and hormonal systems.
This movie wore me out tonight, definitely Not a kid’s movie. Lots of fun times shared early on, but it gets super dark and stressful toward the end. Described as “Blending heavy violence with clownish satire, the movie takes shots at factory farming, capitalist exploitation and PR-friendly mindful consumerism.” There is a horrible slaughterhouse scene toward the end. A review I read said it is making people become vegan (not me though). Super great performances by Tilda Swinton and Jake Gyllenhaal and the cute little Korean girl and Okja the Super Pig…but I know I am going to have stress dreams tonight. This movie is deepasf
$5 for a Bag of Books at the Worcester Habitat for Humanity yo, inching Less Than Zero, Doctors and a childhood favorite Island of the Blue Dolphins. 8 years old I was Marana on that island, struggling to find food and trying to avoid being killed by the wild dogs (while doing everything I could to steal one of their puppies).
Yesterday I went to the Brimfield Flea Market (by myself). Dozens if not hundreds of gay couples there, lookin’ all domestic and happy and slightly overweight because they have found someone who loves them just the way they are. Bastards. It’s Mother’s Day weekend and I am sad and super lonely…also have a small belly that I cultivated this winter (in preparation for domesticity) that won’t go away. The flea market is huge, I spent most of the day there, although my only purchase was a $1 lazy eyed panda? figurine…oh and $5 for a latte, $6 for kettle corn, $6 for hot fried cinnamon sugar donut holes, and $7 for a smoked sausage dog.
I hope my Anderson Cooper finds me soon…would settle for Bill Nye or John Oliver though. The pics I took are kind of my personality: uniquely different, a bit weird, definitely not some boring and vanilla bullshit. There are also a couple of pics of this super cute dad I was following around, and some disturbingly racist pics that I felt needed to be seen because Black Lives Matter. Dear Mr. Right, hurry the fuck up and find me!
I tried to drink it away, I tried to put one in the air
I tried to work it away, but that made me even sadder
I tried to keep myself busy, I ran around in circles
I slept it away, I sexed it away, I read it away
I tried to run it away, thought then my head would be clearer
I traveled 70 states, thought moving would make me feel better
Young and fresh and so different! Sasha Lane was getting some (small) Oscar buzz, and I live for the fantastic Riley Keough (the Girlfriend Experience and Elvis’s granddaughter)…amazingly still very good with loser Labeouf in some scenes (he def ain’t the star)
“We wanted more. We knocked the butt ends of our forks against the table, tapped are spoons against our empty bowls; we were hungry. We wanted more volume, more riots. We turned up the knob on the TV until our ears ached with the shouts of angry men. We wanted more music on the radio; we wanted beats, we wanted rock. We wanted muscles on our skinny arms. We had bird bones, hollow and light, and we wanted more density, more weight. We were six matching hands, six stomping feet; we were brothers, boys, three little kings locked in a feud for more.
We wanted more flash, more blood, more warmth.
Always more, always hungrily scratching for more. But there were times, quiet moments, when our mother was sleeping, when she hadn’t slept for two days, and any noise, any stair creak, any shut door, any stifled laugh, any voice at all might wake her, those crystal, still mornings, when we wanted to protect her, this confused goose of a woman, this stumbler, this gusher, with her backaches and headaches and her tired, tired ways, this uprooted Brooklyn creature, this tough talker, always with tears when she told us she loved us, her mixed up love, her needy love, her warmth, those mornings when sunlight found the cracks in our blinds and laid it self down in crisp strips on our carpet, those quiet mornings when we’d fix ourselves oatmeal and sprawl onto our stomachs with crayons and paper, with glass marbles that we were careful not to rattle, when our mother was sleeping, when the air did not smell like sweat or breath or mold, when the air was still and light, those mornings when silence was our secret game and our gift and our sole accomplishment – we wanted less : less weight, less work, less noise, less father, less muscles and skin and hair. We wanted nothing, just this, just this.”