From my memoir “The Gay Road Less Traveled” Please go buy a copy on Amazon!
“I texted him to tell him I didn’t really eat dog food, but that’s a crazy sentence to send to somebody. The worst part is that he was popular and had lots of friends in Fort Lauderdale and Miami, now they all think I eat dog food.”
an excerpt from my memoir “The Gay Road Less Traveled”
New Orleans 1997
Dear Diary, we lost Princess Diana this year. At Halloween, lots of the drag queens in New Orleans honored her by dressing up as the beloved princess, that’s what I initially thought, but as I looked closer at their outfits, all of them had blood and tire tracks on their dresses, and one queen had a steering wheel around her neck!
- EVERYTHING NOW – ARCADE FIRE (Scroll to 46 seconds on this video to start of song) My fav song of the year, a mashup that sounds like the Hustle from the 70’s, gayest Erasure, OMD, add a dash of hipster irony…You’ve Got Everything Now!!!
2. RUNNIN’ -NAUGHTY BOY featuring BEYONCE A super catchy and addictive little song that I played over and over again this year. It first caught my ear in a Chanel commercial with Kirsten Stewart (Runnin’)
3. WALK ON WATER – EMINEM featuring BEYONCE Although she’s featured in two of my three favorite songs of the year, I’m not a big Beyonce fan, her vocal talent is unquestioned, she’s just not very smart and lacks personality.
4. BAD & BOUJEE – MIGOS featuring LIL UZI VERT Ahh, Migos, you were the bright shining stars of 2017, although nobody could understand what you were saying! I fear that like a falling star, Migos’ hotness will soon cool, and they will fade away
5. FEEL IT STILL – PORTUGAL THE MAN
6. BODAK YELLOW – CARDI B Since being introduced to Cardi on Love & Hip Hop NY , I have loved Cardi’s ratchetness and ghetto fabulous sense of humor (when she started making money she wanted to get her teeth fixed, but she was scared, because she was worried she wouldn’t be able to suck dick as good)
7. HOW FAR I’LL GO/MOANA – ALESSIA CARA A lovely little song for little girls and gay men everywhere
8. BLACK BEATLES – RAE SRUMMOND
9. DOWN – MARIAN HILL
10. BAD AT LOVE – HALSEY I knew Halsey before she blew up and kinda sold out, she is a unique and talented singer who I predict will have a long and successful career (unlike Migos or Cardi B). Check out her guest appearance on Roadies, when Machine Gun Kelly kind of falls in love with her
11. MASK OFF – FUTURE “Percocets, Molly, Percocets” “Chase a Bitch, Never Chase a Bitch”
12. SIGN OF THE TIMES -HARRY STYLES
13. THUNDER -IMAGINE DRAGONS
14. HAVANA -CAMILLA CABELLO featuring YOUNG THUG Like Beyonce did with Destiny’s Child, Camilla done told the rest of Fifth Harmony Good Day!
15. CASTLE ON THE HILL – ED SHEERAN
16. LEMON – NERD featuring RIHANNA
17. MAGNOLIA – PLAYBOY CARTI
18. (NO ONE KNOWS) LIKE THE PIANO – SAMPHA
19. NO LIMIT – G-EAZY featuring ASAP ROCKY & CARDI B
20. COLD LITTLE HEART – MICHAEL KIWANUKA Theme song of Big Little Lies, a great show on HBO
21. NEW YORK – ST VINCENT
22. THIRD OF MAY/ODAIGAHARA – FLEET FOXES
23. PA’LANTE – HURRAY FOR THE RIFFRAFF
24. I GET THE BAG -GUCCI MANE featuring MIGOS
25. ROCKSTAR – POST MALONE featuring 21 SAVAGE
TESTIFY – HIFI SEAN featuring CRYSTAL WATERS My most loved dance track this year, Crystal Waters has performed at least six or seven times at circuit party events I’ve attended over the years, and I have floated high as a kite countless times on the dance floor to this diva of the gay community’s songs!
“Now take me to your river
And lay me in your water
And preach to me
Tell me why I need your love
Why I got to have your love
Justify your love”
SUNCHYME I wanted to post a feelgood song to celebrate our Marriage Equality, and Sunchyme always makes me happy. For us older folks, you will recognize the hook from the 80’s (Dream Academy’s Life in a Northern Town).
Well it’s not far down to paradise, at least’s not for me
If the wind is right you can sail away and find tranquility
Oh the canvas can do miracles, just you wait and see, believe me
It’s not far to never, neverland, reason to pretend
And if the wind is right you can find the joy of innocence again
Oh the canvas can do miracles, just you wait and see, believe me
Sailing takes me away
To where I’ve always heard it
Just a dream and the wind to carry me
Soon I will be free
My lover brought me dumplings from Hunan Wok, fried hard with extra dipping sauce because he’s all attentive and knows what I like and whatnot. We’re going to eat dumplings and watch a movie (of my choosing). Yes, he bears an uncanny resemblance to George Clooney and No, he is not a fig newton of my imagination. #rainbowfignewtons
Chewbacca, Darth Vader, gay, J.J. Abrams, Jaina Solo, Luke Skywalker, Lupita Nyong'o Asajj Ventress, movie reviews, movies, science fiction, star wars, Star Wars The Force Awakens, the gay road less traveled
Luke is talking about Jaina Solo, daughter of Han Solo & Leia Organa, in this trailer. Jaina is the most powerful Jedi of the New Order, known as the Sword of the Jedi. Her twin brother Jacen Solo is equally as strong, however he is lured to the dark side of the Force, becoming the Sith Lord Darth Cadeus. The twins have a younger brother, Anakin, and Luke and Mara Jade Skywalker have a son who grows strong in the Force, young Ben Skywalker. Lowbacca is Jaina’s Chewbacca, his mother is Chewie’s sister, but unlike Chewie Lowie is a powerful Jedi in his own right. Dathomirian Dark Jedi Asajj Ventress, who I love, is reportedly the beautiful Lupita Nyong’o, who I love. Finally, J.J. Abrams is possibly the cutest man in the world.
Jaina Solo & Lowbacca
Jaina & Jacen Solo, Lowbacca, Tenel Ka, Anakin Solo, Zekk & Tahiri Veila (droid is Em-Teedee, Lowie’s sidekick)
Lupita: Asajj Ventress
J.J. Abrams John-Jernigan-Abrams
This $1 box of fruit whirls, $1 bologna and 49 cent potted meat have to last all week!John’s finances are leading him back to the prostitution! straight prostitution obviously #nogay4pay
I was out on a stroll with my bitches (a stroll not the stroll) on Washington Avenue when I spied with my good eye (the big one) a box of BC powders and a bunch of little plastic bags all brand-new.
A) Some tourists was bout to get suckered but 5oh had rolled through and they got slung in a panic
B) Some nice old lady was jewelry collecting and got a awful headache
C) Jesus or Allah or Buddha or Tupac really wants me to start selling drugs again ?
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Home alone on this Saturday, with no money and no man, I organized my library and discovered I am RICH!…in books. I do have several date possibilities for tonight, with different men, including Jim Butcher, Chuck Palahniuk, John Burdett and R.A. Salvatore.
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I was so excited to see this new breed of cute Chow, until I figured out they are dyed to look like pandas 😦 Too much work for me, my pandas rarely even get a bath. Of course this practice is ultra trendy and popular in China right now…oh well, at least they ain’t gettin’ ate.
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Artwork by Mateo L’Artiste , from my book The Gay Road Less Traveled – John Jernigan $3.99 on Kindle…the Kindle app is free for any smart phone by the way
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I had this great idea to send messages to four men on the facebook telling them how much I liked them, that I cared about them, that I would would wait on them for “as long as it took”, that I knew they cared about me, and finally that I was in their city and wanted to hookup asap. Brilliant, right? Of these 4 guys, three are in relationships and the 4th is…eccentric. Here is my message to them:
“Hi GUYS NAME, I know it’s been a while since we had any communication. I just wanted to tell you that I still like you a lot, and I miss you. I feel like we had a real connection, and you are still the most adorable guy that I have ever seen…so 100% just my type. In my own way, I had such a true crush on you, and actually started to care about you. I get the impression that you really liked me too, I know you did, and I think you would easily start to care about me if you allow yourself the opportunity. Listen, I am coming to Ft. Lauderdale/Birmingham/Pensacola this weekend and I really, really would love to hook up with you. I would love to have you come spend the night with me here, anytime you drive over/down. I hope we can make a true “love connection” and I’m prepared to wait on you, for as long as it takes! You should also buy a copy of my book, after all, you have your own chapter (I used GUYS 1st Name Last Initial when describing you)…have a good day handsome yours truly, seriously YOURS TRULY John Jernigan
Sounds pretty good, right? Not so much…
My 1st guy, who I actually did develop an online crush/affection for last year, messaged me back with the quickness! “Hey guy! Awww, so nice! Are you here through Sunday? I have to go see my dad this weekend, won’t be back until late Sunday” He had his escape plan ready to roll!
The 2nd guy, the cutest little fella that ever lived, responded “i was and am at a bit of a loss for words… very flattered of course…” When I messaged him back later with April Fool’s he didn’t respond, just ignored me
Guy #3, my smart, distinguished and eccentric friend, replied “Hey John, glad to hear all is well. I’m moving to Savannah, GA within the month, Stay in touch. ” Glad to hear all is well? I just told you I was smitten and stuff…you responded with well sorry leaving the state 😦
The 4th, and final, guy’s response was sad and truly made me realize the mistake this April Fool’s attempt at funny was. This sweet fella, let’s call him “Beth”, is smart and sweet and also the first and only man my age that I have ever shared uhh physical affection with…I sent him my message, no response, nothing. At around 10 p.m. I logged into the facebook to wish him an April Fool’s and: he had unfriended me! I can’t even tell him it was a prank, whatever he did he really did, like he disappeared entirely to me, he made himself invisible, even in searches. I hope he will read this and understand I was just trying to be funny, as usual. What’s not funny and is actually kind of sad is that I would love to have any of these 4 beautiful men for my own…but I will likely always be alone, trying to be funny and trying to make everyone laugh, while I just want to cry.
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This year I made the effort to celebrate this holy holiday, with a couple of different facebook posts. Here is my first post:
I want to say Thank you! to all 27 of you who bought my book for $3.99 on Amazon 😦 I have some fantastic news, I signed a contract with a $15,000 advance from Random House for my soon-to-be-published 2nd offering, Giggle, which should be released by summer.
Nancy, Brenda, Anna and 41 others like this.
Jamie: Ok….if this is an April Fool’s joke…it ain’t funny. If it is not…Congratulations!!!!!!
April 1 at 9:25am · Unlike · 2
Pamela: No one in their right mind would give you $15,000 in ‘advance’
April 1 at 9:34am · Unlike · 3
Glen: GREAT NEWS JOHN!!! I knew it would Blow Up for You!
April 1 at 10:22am · Unlike · 1
June: If this is another one of your jokes I am done with you!
April 1 at 11:12am · Unlike · 4
June: You have to understand my doubts. You have tricked me MANY times before!
Me, late that night:
April Fool’s Bitches!
John Jernigan: Sadly, this is an April Fool’s Post! I really just wanted to put it out there that less than 30 of my facebook friends have purchased my book, reminding you that the Kindle app is FREE for any cell phone and my book costs $3.99 A publishing house did tell me that if I could self promote and sell 1000 copies or so, they would likely pay for a 5000 book press: only have to sell like 920 more 😦
The good news is that through guilt or clever marketing or whatever, 8 copies were bought in the next 2 days…bringing my sales total to like 53 😦
The Gay Road Less Traveled – John Jernigan
available on Amazon for Kindle
Is very far.
The snows falling down.
It’s colder day by day.
I miss you.
The children were singing,
He’ll be back at Christmas time.
And these frozen and silent nights,
Sometimes in a dream,
Outside under the purple sky,
Diamonds in the snow,
Our hearts were singing,
It felt like Christmas time.
Is very far through the snow
I’ll think of you
Wherever you go.
Semmes, Alabama, is named for a Confederate admiral. Shockingly, the people of Semmes, Alabama, felt a little weird about an “all-male, African-American gay dance team from Mobile” impersonating sexy Santa gals at their annual Christmas parade. If by weird, you mean irate.
The 3,000-strong population of Semmes apparently likes its Christmas parade the way it likes its nooses: straight. And the Friends of Semmes, who put on the parade, feel just awful that the town’s upstanding citizens and children were forced to see the young African-American gentlemen of the Prancing Elites in action, according to Mobile’s Fox 10:
[Prancing Elites] Group Captain Kentrell Collins said he had every reason to believe the routine would be welcomed at the Semmes Christmas parade. After all, they were invited.
“I said, ‘we’re all over 21 and we’re guys.’ She was so excited. She was like ‘I didn’t know they had any groups like that in Mobile,'” Collins said.
However, instead of applause or cheers group members said they heard lots of jeers.
“Some of them were saying stuff like ‘Oh my God, what’s that?'” dancer Adrian Clemons said.
Claudia Davis, area white woman, spoke to the TV station on behalf of wide-mouthed concerned citizens everywhere. “I was outraged and appalled,” she said, as she stood shaking beside her presumably now-warped daughter:
“I never expect anything like this at the Semmes Christmas parade!.. If they were gonna put this… kind of… activity in the parade, they should have notified the people of Semmes so that we had a choice whether we wanted out child to attend and see something like that.”
Indeed. Besides naming its fair town in honor of a secessionist who was arrested for treason after the War of Northern Aggression, Semmes’ other claims to fame are that it has its own zip code and Walmart.